My life has not been easy the last six months, but the roller coaster of emotions I have felt has made me stronger, loving, spiritual, grateful, and curious of what is to come.
After suffering several miscarriages, my husband and I decided to try again in May 2011. To our surprise we were expecting after our first month. The doctors monitored us closely in the early weeks and everything was developing great, with no medical complications. We were both in shock that progesterone shots or bed rest didn't appear to be in our future. However, as the weeks progressed, we felt we became just another number to our doctor and decided to move to another practice.
At 20 weeks we were overjoyed to find we were having a little boy. We called everyone we knew and gushed about how proud we were to be parents of a baby boy! Soon after finding out the sex I started to leak fluid.
On Friday, October 7, 2011, I called the new doctor and they had me come in right away. After a quick exam they determined that I had an incompetent cervix and the amniotic sac was visible. If the amniotic fluid was not infected, then they could do a cervical cerclage and keep me in the hospital on bed rest. After an amniocentesis they discovered the amniotic fluid was incredibly infected and that they had to deliver the baby.
Being only 21 weeks, the baby would not be able to live outside of the womb. Knowing this information gave us several hours to prepare for what was to come. I remember sitting in the hospital bed feeling very present in the moment. I did not think of the past, I did not think of the future. I only experienced what was happening at that very moment. It is as if time stood still. I had an overwhelming feeling that everything was going to be okay. It kept me in a state of sanity so I could endure everything that was to come.
Although I was clearly in a state of shock, I was unsure about wanting to name the baby or wanting to see him after the birth. I did not know if I would be able to handle all the emotions that would bring.We had several doctors and nurses come in and share their personal stories of loss. They all suggested we see him and hold him for closure, but I was still scared.
It wasn't until I actually birthed him that I knew I wanted to see him, hold him, and name him. It was a very quiet and peaceful experience. He was so incredibly beautiful. Perfect from his button nose to his tiny perfect toes. I felt so much love in my heart for the little guy, and he made such an impact on my life even if I only had his for a short time.
The hardest thing I experienced was having to leave him in the hospital while we went home the next day. I couldn't stop the tears as the nurse wheeled me out to my car. My husband and I bawled the whole way home. It was one of the worst days of my life.
Six months later I can finally share my story in hopes that it may help someone else who is going through the same struggle of losing a baby. My hope for this blog is to share and document my epiphanies and life experiences. Being able to process hardships and to keep growing in life is so important. That is what I plan on doing, and I know everyone else has the capability to blossom again too.
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