Busy, But Unmotivated

I have so much work to do... but I feel like doing nothing. I do not even know where to start, so I don't start anything. I wish I could get a wave of motivation to splash across my desk, whisking me into a working frenzy. Instead I sit and try to find ways to procrastinate, like writing this blog.

God, help me!

The Happiness Factor

I am reading the book Happier, by Tal Ben-Shahar, PhD. Shahar beleives that we all fit into one of the following mindsets:

The Rat Racer: This group works constantly for the future, but in pursuit of wealth and success fails to enjoy the present.
The Hedonist: This group lives in pursuit of physical pleasure and in avoidance of pain. By living only for the superficial, they aren’t able to find any meaning in life.
The Nihilist: This group holds the opinion that sustainable happiness isn’t possible. If you’ll never be happy, there’s no point in trying.

After analyzing this portion of the book I decided I fall somewhere between The Rat Racer and The Nihilist. I am constantly running on the rat wheel of life, only to realize I am still in the rat wheel with nothing to show for it. It gets harder to beleive that one day happiness will happen to you, when nothing really changes.

I was watching Simon Cowell's Master Class on the OWN Network and he said part of the journey to success is being patient and learning as you go. Maybe patience and faith that everything will be okay is what I need to learn. It is hard to hold on to that faith when you feel like your rat wheel has been running for eternity.

You can get "Happier" at http://www.amazon.com/

Prized Posessions

With the many horrific fires burning up the state if Colorado, I started to think about what I would grab if I were forced to evacuate my home. As I pondered this decision, I realized I am not very attached to many things. I could care less if I lost my furniture or televisions. My clothes would take a long time to replace, but it is not something I need to be happy and to be me. However, sentimental items such as pictures and jewelry given to me by family and friends were things that I wouldnt want to be without. Luckily I have most of my important documents on some sort of electronic source, so simply grabbing my laptop and flash drive would cover the logical items.

So here is my list. I narrowed it down to 5:

1- 3 Loving Dogs

2- Laptop

3- Scrapbooks

4- Sentimental Necklaces and Rings

5- 1 suitcase of Clothes and Toiletries 

Unproductive

I have a feeling this week is going to be very unproductive. I get to work and just stare into nothingness, unmotivated to do the work on my desk. And the sad thing is, I really don't care about the consequences of not getting it done. Because if I did get fired, at least I would be forced to makes adjustments in my life for the lack of income. Choosing to do that just doesn't make sense.... weird how your mind works when you really just don't care.

Choices

I absolutely hate making choices. I am never 100% satisfied with my choice, ever. Considering life is FULL of choices big and small, it makes for a very stressful and doubting existence. Many say.. "Why don't you weigh the pros and cons?" That is easier said than done. How do you measure you own personal happiness verses the logical choice?

I see people every day who pick personal happiness over money, material items, or paying of their debts. They appear to enjoy life and not feel controlled by their paycheck. But I always question if they are truly happy, or if they are putting on a brave face.

The people who have a mortgage, and car payments, and credit cards seem more stressed out and miserable, but they typically have nicer things. Even though they have a steady paycheck, most of it goes to paying their bills. They usually belong to the whiners and complainers category, I happen to be one of them.

So what do you do, chose the road less travelled and hope that you be happy? Or do you chose stability and go on living hoping that one day your perseverance and hard works pays off, bringing you happiness?



Happy Summer Solstice!

 

So we grew together,
Like to a double cherry, seeming parted,
But yet an union in partition;
Two lovely berries moulded on one stem;
So, with two seeming bodies, but one heart

-A Midsummer Night's Dream

 

According to Ancient Pagans, Summer Solstice is a time of healing and fertility. Every day I witness the wave of fertility sweeping over those around me, bringing joy and excitment into the men and women who will soon welcome a special addition to their family. Let this time bring healing for all those who have lost someone this past year, and fertility for those hoping to expand thier loving families.

Jump to Spread Your Wings and Soar

I am have been contemplating a tattoo on the side of my foot that says "Jump". It is a Madonna song that really speaks to me from her Confessions on a Dancefloor album. Here are some of the lyrics:

I haven't got much time to waste,

its time to make my way

I'm not afraid of what I'll face,

but I'm afraid to stay

I'm travelling down my own road

and I can make it alone

I'll work and I'll fight

'till I find a place of my own

Are you ready to Jump,

get ready to Jump,

Don't ever look back oh baby

Yes I'm ready to Jump,

just take my hand,

Get ready to,

Are you ready?

Today I was listening to Christina Aguiliera's Stripped album (a must have!) and the song "Soar" stuck out to me. I now want to incorporate that into my tattoo. Here are some of the inspirational lyrics from this song:

Don't be scared to fly alone
Find a path that is your own
Love will open every door
Its in your hands
The world is your
Don't hold back and always know
All the answers will unfold
What are you waiting for
Spread your wings and soar

What is it in us that makes us feel the need
To keep pretending
Gotta let ourselves be

So, to remind me to have faith that everything is going to be okay, and life is worth taking risks, I have come up with:

"Jump and Soar"

 

When Positivity Is Too Much Work

I have tried to stay positive over the last 7 months, but I think my body and mind are worn out. I don't want to be happy all the time and optimistic that the future will be bright. Right now I don't see any indication that my positive attitude has made my future brighter. I just feel exhausted.

Have you ever felt like everything you were trying to accomplish remains stagnant? I feel like a complete failure in all aspects of my life. Nothing is happening. I wake up, go to my mediocre job, go to the gym suffering through my work out, come home and watch television until it is time to go to bed. There has got to be something more to life then that!

Thank God for Swollen Glands

Most people would gripe and whine about swollen glands, but today I am grateful for them. A swollen gland changed my perspective on life, gave me freedom from pain I held on to for 17 years, and tightened a long awaited bond with my sisters.

Two weeks ago my mother found a lump in her neck. After performing several tests that all came back inconclusive, the family was convinced it was cancer. The night I found out I sat still in my bed, unable to sleep, with thoughts racing through my head. I quietly left our bedroom, trying to avoid disturbing my sleeping husband and retreated into our spare bedroom to write in my journal.
Crying and writing tends to help me sort through the thoughts in my head and return to my bed at peace. This time the crying turned to sobbing, which turned to hyperventilating, which resulted in an epiphany. No longer will I hold on to the things of the past. It is not worth carrying that anger every day, especially if my mother has a life threatening disease. Regardless of the results I made a vow to never hold on to those negative feelings again.

Yesterday, after much anxiety and stress, we found out it was just a swollen gland. Although the last two weeks were painful, I was given a gift. The gift of being able to let go, and that is priceless.

Phantom Pregnancy

phantom pregnancy

n

(Medicine / Gynaecology & Obstetrics) the occurrence of signs of pregnancy, such as enlarged abdomen and absence of menstruation, when no embryo is present, due to hormonal imbalance Also called false pregnancy pseudopregnancy Technical name pseudocyesis     

Many TTCers may have experienced these symptoms at some point in their lives, without knowing the terminology for it. So I decided to explore what a phantom pregnancy is, and how it can affect our day to day well being.

The most popular display of phantom pregnancy was in the 1st season of the hit television series Glee! The enthusiastic choir teacher's wife tricks herself into believing that she is pregnant. Later, she is emotionally disappointed when the doctor rendered her barren, proving how powerful the human mind can be. Embarrassed by her discovery, she continues a series of lies to keep her husband from leaving the marriage.

Phantom pregnancies or false pregnancies have effected many woman and even some men. Most symptoms arise when there is an emotional want or need for a baby, or a fear of never having a baby. This may be due to failed pregnancy attempts, miscarriages, or even a recent hysterectomy. According to Jennifer Drapkin of Psychology Today, "A woman may stop menstruating, or her stomach may become distended due to stress or constipation. But her brain interprets the signs as pregnancy, which triggers the pituitary gland to secrete hormones like prolactin to prepare the body to carry a child. She gains more weight around the midsection, and her breasts swell and might even lactate. Many false pregnancies end when the woman goes into labor and delivers nothing".

Here are a few personal accounts from women who have suffered from phantom pregnancy symptoms:

- "I have been having a phantom pregnancy, I look as though I am about 5 months pregnant, I've been having morning sickness, mood swings, extreme tiredness and my periods have stopped, I'm even having movement in my stomach which my husband and friends can also see, but all the tests have came back negative, I feel like I'm going crazy!"

- "I am experiencing what you call "phantom pregnancy". I am having all the symptoms, heartburn,morning sickness, bloating and a missed period. I have taken 3 hpt and a blood tests and all of them came up negative. I guess when you worry or wish so much that you can almost "think" yourself to be pregnant."

- "I too feel like I am experiencing a phantom pregnancy. After missing a period, I have had morning sickness, gained 5 pounds in one week, have breast tenderness, and actually feel like a baby is moving inside of my lower abdomen. I have taken 2 pregnancy tests, both having a negative result. The last 2 weeks have pushed me into a depressed and confused state. I feel absolutely crazy. I think I need to see a therapist."

Although it isn't widely discussed, the realization that a false pregnancy is in fact false, can have lasting psychological effects. It is important to remember that there are many women who experience these symptoms, and you are not alone. Please seek help from a doctor or therapist if you feel you may be suffering from a phantom pregnancy. Getting professional confirmation can help ease your mind and give you the answers that you need.

Quote of the Day

            

Humble Pie

I received a huge slice of humble pie last night, and it tasted really, really bad.

With each bite I became sicker to my stomach.

The sour taste made my eyes water with regret.

 I hung my head in shame as I ate the contents of my plate,

vowing never to eat humble pie again.

Thanks For Making Me a Fighter

Makes me that much stronger

Makes me work a little bit harder

It makes me that much wiser

So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster

Made my skin a little bit thicker

Makes me that much smarter

So thanks for making me a fighter

Why Do Horrible Things Happen to Good People?

While sorting through the array of programs I recorded on my DVR last night, my attention focused on Giuliana & Bill, the fun-loving couple who publicly share their intimate  fertility problems with curious viewers. Expecting another season of IVF (In vitro fertilization) treatments and possibly a success story, I was overwhelmed with sadness when Giuliana was diagnosed with breast cancer at the tender age of 36.

Tears rolled down my face as I empathized with her struggles. She and her husband Bill tackle all of their problems with positive attitudes and hopes for a bright and sunny future. After drying my tears, I sat in contemplation wondering why horrible things happen to good people?

In Deepak Chopra's book "Spiritual Solutions: Answers to Life's Greatest Challenges", he explains, "Life isn't random. There is pattern and purpose inside every existence. The reason that challenges arise is simple: to make you more aware of your inner purpose". This is such a strong statement to reflect on. Like many, I have always been one who needed to be punched in the face in order to learn a life lesson. In fact, most of my personal growth has come from the lessons I learned while in my lowest state. Is a series of struggles the recipe for becoming a good person?

So I turn to Deepak again for the answer, and he states, "How you meet your challenges makes all the difference between the promise of success and the specter of failure". Giuliana and Bill are role models for those going through struggle. They feel the pain of the their struggles, but they also know how to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and face the problem with strength. Too often people let themselves become overwhelmed with grief, getting stuck in a deep dark hole of pain and regret. The longer you stay at the bottom of that pit, the harder it will be to climb your way out of it. I have been inspired by the Rancic's and hope I too can be a positive role model to those who need the sun to rise once again.

My Struggle

My life has not been easy the last six months, but the roller coaster of emotions I have felt has made me stronger, loving, spiritual, grateful, and curious of what is to come.

After suffering several miscarriages, my husband and I decided to try again in May 2011. To our surprise we were expecting after our first month. The doctors monitored us closely in the early weeks and everything was developing great, with no medical complications. We were both in shock that progesterone shots or bed rest didn't appear to be in our future. However, as the weeks progressed, we felt we became just another number to our doctor and decided to move to another practice.

At 20 weeks we were overjoyed to find we were having a little boy. We called everyone we knew and gushed about how proud we were to be parents of a baby boy! Soon after finding out the sex I started to leak fluid.

On Friday, October 7, 2011, I called the new doctor and they had me come in right away. After a quick exam they determined that I had an incompetent cervix and the amniotic sac was visible. If the amniotic fluid was not infected, then they could do a  cervical cerclage and keep me in the hospital on bed rest. After an amniocentesis they discovered the amniotic fluid was incredibly infected and that they had to deliver the baby.

Being only 21 weeks, the baby would not be able to live outside of the womb. Knowing this information gave us several hours to prepare for what was to come. I remember sitting in the hospital bed feeling very present in the moment. I did not think of the past, I did not think of the future. I only experienced what was happening at that very moment. It is as if time stood still. I had an overwhelming feeling that everything was going to be okay. It kept me in a state of sanity so I could endure everything that was to come.

Although I was clearly in a state of shock, I was unsure about wanting to name the baby or wanting to see him after the birth. I did not know if I would be able to handle all the emotions that would bring.We had several doctors and nurses come in and share their personal stories of loss. They all suggested we see him and hold him for closure, but I was still scared.

It wasn't until I actually birthed him that I knew I wanted to see him, hold him, and name him. It was a very quiet and peaceful experience. He was so incredibly beautiful. Perfect from his button nose to his tiny perfect toes. I felt so much love in my heart for the little guy, and he made such an impact on my life even if I only had his for a short time.

The hardest thing I experienced was having to leave him in the hospital while we went home the next day. I couldn't stop the tears as the nurse wheeled me out to my car. My husband and I bawled the whole way home. It was one of the worst days of my life.

Six months later I can finally share my story in hopes that it may help someone else who is going through the same struggle of losing a baby. My hope for this blog is to share and document my epiphanies and life experiences. Being able to process hardships and to keep growing in life is so important. That is what I plan on doing, and I know everyone else has the capability to blossom again too.